duplicity ic inbox - SECOND STAY

[perfectible]

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[perfectible]

Okay, let's break this down for a second. How did Mal make you feel small? Like in what way?

[sunmon]

he liked me dependent on him.
when i don't use my grisha power i get sick. he liked me better that way. he liked looking after me.

[ novyi zem had been the first example that occurred to her, when the darkling brought it up. now that betty asks, there are more. ]

he hates my power.
and he hates how it changes me. makes me feel guilty for having it, for liking it, for wanting to be something.
he wants me to give it up even though i could save ravka.

[perfectible]

[ there are men who are like that, that like their women weak and helpless, who are jealous. but betty's known men who are not like that. this mal guy could be either. ]

Can I ask: would saving Ravka with your power put you at risk?

[sunmon]

as much as an grisha is at risk.
no, that's not true. more.
all of ravka's enemies have cause to kill the sun summoner. as long as i'm alive there's a chance of destroying the fold, and destroying the fold would strengthen ravka.

what does that have to do with this?

[perfectible]

Because maybe a person that loves you wouldn't like the idea of losing you. Or you being hurt.

But I don't know him. It could be that he's jealous of your power or used to being the one in control. Which do you think sounds more like him?

[sunmon]

they both do.

[ she thinks of mal's arrival at the little palace. how jealous and angry he'd been to find her happy there. ]

he wants me to be the same little alina he overlooked all our lives so that he can protect me from the world.

but does it matter if it's to protect me if i still have to be someone other than myself?

[perfectible]

It depends on how they are trying to protect you. I hurt the boy I loved because someone threatened to kill him and a lot of other people if I didn't break up with him. Instead of telling him, I broke his heart and then he broke my heart when he did the same thing thinking he could protect me from people who wanted to hurt him.

Sometimes not trusting the other person's strength feels too scary. But you have to be with someone who can accept who you are and your power without wanting to tear it down or use it for their gain. Because being jealous or scared to lose you doesn't mean they don't care about you, sometimes it means they care too much.

[sunmon]

i used to think he cared about me.
now i think he just cares about the person that he wants me to be. the one who's always following after him. ​

[ it probably wouldn't have occurred to her if not for reggie. but she kept anticipating that he'd react to things like mal had, and then he didn't. he really did not just accept but like her for who she was — all of who she was, not just the parts he wanted. not just the easy to like parts. ]

[perfectible]

Then that means you've outgrown him. And that might be hard to accept but if he cares about you, he'd love every part of you, even the parts that are changing. Sometimes that takes time. Or he might not ever accept them.

Sometimes when you grow up, you grow apart.

[sunmon]

i think i decided that i couldn't be alina without mal.
but that's not true, is it?
it's really that i just stopped being able to be alina with him.

[perfectible]

You're always you, Alina. No other person gets to define who you are but you. I know sometimes it doesn't feel that way but that's the truth.

I've always let other people define who I am until I got here and those people either weren't here or they were and then they left. Now I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable with who I am even though this place is... awful.

[sunmon]

when's the part where it starts getting comfortable instead of scary?

[perfectible]

Being here? Or being yourself? Because the answer to both is I don't know. I'm still not comfortable with myself completely and it's scary to be open to people, especially with people who can hurt me.

[ she doesn't mean physically. ]

And I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with this place or unafraid of what it can do.

[sunmon]

comfortable with yourself.
i just keep thinking to myself how much mal would hate the person i've become.
that's weird isn't it?
i don't even know if i hate the person i've become. because the first thing that occurs to me is whether or not mal would.

[perfectible]

That's not weird when you're so entangled with someone, they are your family or when you love them. I think a lot about how Jughead or my mom would of what I'm doing now.

It's not weird to think about what others would think of you and your choices, almost everyone does.

[ it's easy to be wise when you don't have to look inward and are helping someone else. ]

[sunmon]

isn't it more important what i think about it, though?

[perfectible]

Of course, it is. But that's a motivational poster. In reality, it's not easy to just shed that, right? I think you have to train yourself to think that way.

[sunmon]

what's a motivational poster

[perfectible]

[ betty lets out a stressed sort of laugh at that tension breaker. ]

In school, we'd have posters hanging up around our classrooms and they'd have cheesy motivational sayings on them and then like a picture of a whale jumping out of the water or a little dog carrying a huge stick.

[sunmon]

your world has strange taste in art

[perfectible]

I wouldn't call it "art" to be honest.

[sunmon]

what else do you call photography and portraiture?

[perfectible]

We call them propaganda or well... motivational posters. It is its own category.

[sunmon]

we use propaganda in ravka.
it's still a kind of art, most would say. it uses art to do its purpose.

[perfectible]

I guess that's why they say art is subjective.

Do you like art?